• We begin with reminiscent echoes of Series 1, Episode 1 as an Important Message is created and sent on its way, landing on the same train as a Mysterious Man, who this time did not turn out to be the new valet. Along the journey, the cinematography is gorgeous, making one long for a return trip to the beautiful English countryside—and back in time.
• At the Abbey, Man on Scooter returns and delivers Important Message to the Tall Mr. Bean Lookalike Footman Andy who, after a snarkily endearing barb to the Snarkily Endearing Cook, Mrs. Patmore, then hands it off to the Formerly Evil Butler Thomas Barrow. Barrow has it waiting for kindly Lord Grantham, who shows us that the more things change, the more they remain the same by descending the Grand Staircase followed by his loyal Not-as-Yellow-Labrador for his morning sausages. LG anti-climactically announces what we have heard on every trailer and ad for the film: The King and Queen are coming to Downton! Lady Mary, who is now married to Not Matthew, nearly spits her tea and even the Formerly Evil Butler’s face radiates surprise. To prove he is still in touch with his long-forgotten Irish Republican roots, Former Chauffeur Turned Son-in-Law Tom’s face radiates a disinterested meh. There is the obligatory, but now good-natured, brief philosophical repartee between LG and his Former Chauffeur Tom.
• Downstairs is in an Obligatory Tizzy over the impending royal visit. There will be food to cook, rooms for the extra maids with no dialogue to clean and a wonderful parade whose sole purpose will appear to be to remind viewers of an increased budget and to further illustrate that Princess Mary’s Distant Husband is a jerk, but more on that later.
• Mysterious Man registers at the local inn and peers even more mysteriously over the empty village green. Something Evil This Way Comes. Soon, Chauffeur Turned Son-in-Law Tom is approached by Mysterious Man. This is done in the village to remind us that Tom is A Businessman With Some Sort of Car Shop. Nothing much is said, but it seems Tom’s anti-monarchist views may be a Plot Point.
• Back at the Abbey, Lady Mary is at loose ends because Not-Matthew is away in America, so she drops down to pop in on the Room Full of Silver Stuff We Never Use. Formerly Evil Butler Barrow can’t seem to decide which silver treasure to polish for the King, so Lady Mary runs up to Charlie and Elsie Carson’s adorable cottage where the adorable Loyal Retired Butler is now bored and left to furrowing his bushy eyebrows at vegetables that don't keep up standards in his garden. For King and Country, come back and choose the silver! implores Lady Mary. Carson cannot deny his favorite Crawley anything, and so he confidently leaves his vegetable patch and strides up the long scenic walk back to the Abbey. In other Downstairs News, Lovable Doofus Footman Turned Schoolteacher Molesley is over the moon at the prospect of serving at table for his king and says he will get time off from teaching if he can please put on his livery again just this once.
• Carson awkwardly enters Robert’s library just as Lady Mary informs her father that Butler Barrow can’t manage and Carson must unretire to save Downton’s honor. Even more awkward is Barrow’s nearly simultaneous arrival to mention the water heater is acting up and to be told, in front of Carson, that he is now superfluous and free to have a mini-tantrum that really should get him sacked, and frees him up to go into York and have a Gay Adventure of some sort with the Handsome Is He or Isn’t He Royal Servant who is lurking about ahead of the King’s visit. (He is, BTW.)
• Wondering how Loyal Retired Butler Carson’s shaking hands will deal with pouring claret wine for the royals? Fear not, like Lord Grantham’s near-deadly ulcer, the ‘palsy’ has inexplicably vanished! And it doesn’t matter anyway because the King’s Arrogant Grand Poohbah of the Back Stairs (pretty close to his actual title) has arrived and told the Downtonites to sod off, the Londoners have got it covered. Mrs. Patmore, who’d rung up Amazon for some new cookbooks, will not get to make a pudding for the King after all, potentially disappointing a patriotic shopkeeper whose pop would’ve been proud to have his son provide the veg for the king’s salad. Thankfully, Daisy is on hand to tell Mrs. P that the family actually eats food with regularity and so they can use the grocer’s items and also save face!
• And in keeping with Julian Fellowes’ propensity for regurgitating storylines, on the eve of a most important house party, A Much-Needed Appliance goes on the fritz, likely because it shares Chauffer Turned Son-in-Law Tom’s political views, or because Formerly Evil Butler Barrow has broken it. Fear not, Carson reassures, Mrs. Patmore knows the recipe for hot water. In a surprising break from another Fellowes habit, Baby Bates appears for a few seconds and is named Johnny and not Charles. In addition, Lady Mary has had a girl who is also not named Charles, but is called Caroline. (Really, Julian? Couldn’t go for Charlotte for old time’s sake? Swing and a miss.)
• In other news, the Dowager has gone to visit Lady Rosamund to give viewers a mention of her absent daughter’s name, and a curious trip to London for The Granny Who Hates London. Hmmm. (Foreshadowing event: tick!)
• Former Skullery Maid Turned Snippy Assistant Cook Daisy seems to have another footman inexplicably smitten with her and she appears headed for yet another wedding she doesn’t really want. Remember, her first husband was Lovable Saintly Footman William, who adored her and professed his love as he went off to be critically injured in The Great War whilst saving Matthew, the Reluctant Heir to Lord Grantham. Mrs. Patmore pushed Daisy into a deathbed marriage with Saintly William because it would make the dying man less bummed about dying. When Tall Mr. Bean Lookalike Footman Andy sees Snippy Daisy getting flirty with Hunky Appliance Repair Bloke who has come to Fix the Boiler, he gets a visit from the green-eyed monster. This inspires the normally mild-mannered servant to undo Hunky Bloke’s handiwork with a shovel, again sending the Abbey into cold showers just before The Royal Visit. Never fear, Hunky Bloke instantly repairs it again, and Mr. Bean returns to the Land of the Mild Mannered Servants and the boiler is not mentioned again until the end, when a confession is made that somehow turns Daisy on and she agrees to become Mrs. Bean as soon as Mrs. Patmore can bake a cake.
• Lady Edith, who now lives at Hogwarts and is unhappy being a Lady Who Lunches, pops home for the Royal Visit, but doesn’t have her ball gown at hand. The Downton Next Generation look suitably adorable and hang out in the library with the grown-ups. Lord Grantham has apparently grown weary of Little Sybbie cheating at whatever the British call Chutes and Ladders in past years, so he has taken to playing with Little George. George’s board game integrity remains to be seen. Disappointingly, not a Donk is uttered.
• The Downton Ladies visit the Princess and her own Adorable Young Lads, who are inexplicably playing with Nanny in the same room as the women will lunch. Awful Husband returns home, is generally rude and shoos the children as it is before the six o’clock Children Visit Aristocratic Parents Hour. It is obvious that this will be an annoying minor Plot Point taking precious screen time away from our regulars to show that the beautiful Princess is unhappy and her hubby is a jerk.
• Meanwhile, Mysterious Man and Tom the Chauffer Turned Son-in-Law buddy up and share what appears to be evening revolutionary beers in a pub and make Plans, while the Upstairs Family realize not only that it is raining cats and Labradors, but that the newly arrived chairs for the royal parade dais must be set up by 9am. To further illustrate a) the importance of the Royal Visit, and b) how very much the Aristocratic residents of the house have Changed with the Times, Robert, Mary and Edith’s Mild Marquess of Hogwarts husband don their hats and raincoats and Pitch In, with a cheerful Robert happy to be in even a dark and rainy a scene in this movie, and uttering a good-natured reminder that a little rain doesn’t deter real Hunting Men in Hats. As the Upstairs and Downstairs toss wet chairs about, Robert, who historically notices very little, notices Tom leaving the pub, which in turn leaves Lady Mary to cast a Suspicious Glance in his direction, wondering whether he’s really all-in to his new life or whether he is Plotting Something during the King’s visit. (Did one mention he’s coming?) After all, Tom did almost chuck soup onto a visiting dignitary in his previous life.
• The King and Queen arrive to the usual outdoors line up of Upstairs and Downstairs. Molesley is so proud he could burst, and Tom tries not to roll his eyes and yawn. All bow or curtsy, but the Dowager has a bit of a comic turn as she cannot arise. Ever the gentleman, the King lends a royal hand. (Foreshadowing event: tick!)
• It’s Parade Day and grandly uniformed Men on Horses trot majestically about the green as local modern Bampton villagers dressed up as extras wave tiny flags and cheer. Lurking about is Mysterious Man, who now has a nicely polished Gun! A Mysterious Man with a Purpose, he walks mysteriously and quickly through the Bampton Extras and is put off when he sees Lady Mary following Tom, his partner-in-something nefarious. Off in an alley near the village green, the King waits mounted on his horse for his grand entrance. Lady Mary chases Tom through the streets, dodging costumed Bamptoners. This is Exciting as Tom is also hurriedly following Mysterious Man and there are horses about. Is Tom in on a Plot to Kill the King? Will Tom be blamed for Mysterious Man doing the deed? Will Mary save the King, but ruin Tom? You don’t have to tune in tomorrow because this is Downton and seconds later, Mysterious Man raises his pistol only to be foiled by Heroic Tom, having arrived from off-camera just in the nick of time. The blissfully unaware King trots off to ride in his parade while other Important Men commend the former revolutionary Tom on his Good Work. Mary is relieved when Tom fills in the missing What the Bloody Hell Just Happened? details in a few spoken sentences about Ireland. All is well. And since the Important Men complimented Tom, he may just be softening about his whole I Hate Anything Royal Because I’m Irish thing.
• Downstairs, the Downton crew visits the wine cellar to further show the enhanced budget and to hatch a plot to ditch the Annoying Royal Servants. Turns out the Grand Poohbah of the Back Stairs is much less fun than he was as hilariously officious Inspector Derek Grim on The Thin Blue Line with the real Mr. Bean, and the cartoonishly Arrogant French Chef with silly hair, really disses Mrs. Patmore, so they kind of deserve a Humorous, But Treasonous Plot against them. Anna slips a mickey into the French chef’s tea and the formerly funny Inspector Grim, who is now the decidedly unfunny Poohbah to the King, is locked in his dingy room by Tall Mr. Bean while changing his starched white shirt. This fearsome and powerful Hoity Toity but Namby Pamby man is stymied by a rickety skeleton key lock and spends the rest of the dinner Fannying About. Poohbah is not happy, because in Inspector Grim’s parlance, it’s his arse on the line with this dinner and he doesn’t want a cock-up.
• The Arrogant Royal Servants are dispatched, leaving the pudding safely in Mrs. Patmore’s capable hands, and the serving to Mr. Bean, the Doofy Schoolmaster and Hallboy Tall Enough to Fit into the Fancy Livery.
• Overly-Excited Molesley provides comic relief by (gasp!) Speaking to the King and Queen at their Downton dinner, telling them that the yummy eats were not prepared by the Stereotypically Arrogant Royal French Chef, but by our own Mrs. P. He pales with realization of his social faux pas before his beloved King. Cora looks properly aghast in her cakey makeup, while Robert ponders vomiting blood again to create a diversion and excuse himself from the scene. Fear not, the Queen says, we’re used to people acting like doofuses in front of us. The table titters. What Real Folks these royals are.
• Downton wins out, resourceful as ever, the dinner is aces, Bates has a few lines, but still has not Brushed His Lordship’s Shoulders, which leaves this viewer unsettled.
• You are undoubtedly wondering what is going on with The Dowager. She is busy trading witty one-liners with Isobel while Lord Dickie Merton looks mildly amused and out of focus in the background. Lady Bagshaw, the Queen’s Lady in Waiting happens to be a) Robert’s cousin who has wealth he should somehow inherit, and b) played by the very real and quite tiny Mrs. Carson, Imelda Staunton. There has apparently been a past Crawley family rift that explains why we have never heard of her before, and cousin Bagshaw ain’t giving Lord G his due, not now, not ever. Why, we wonder? Robert is an affable sort. I’d give him my fortune if I had one, though I’d hire someone else to mind it for him. This obviously has something to do with the adoring eyes Lady Bagshaw is making at her attractive Lady’s Maid/Companion, who has also drawn the eye of our Heroic Tom Who Saved the King. Robert, to his credit, doesn’t seem to care about his inheritance anyway, and is generally in Very Good Humor as he plays checkers with George, kisses Cora in the library and even gets off a witty barb of his own at his Mama. She must be slowing down. (Foreshadowing event: tick!)
• Eventually, Isobel catches on to what the audience realized long before, and the Attractive Maid is really Lady Bagshaw’s version of Marigold (another plot regurgitation), a secret illegitimate child who deserves to inherit her mom’s grand house and money. There is a bit of backstory that lets revered Imelda have Important Lines and Act. The long-awaited Showdown between the Dowager and her arch-cousin lasts several tense milliseconds, and upon learning The Truth, Violet is instantly down with the whole Robert gets screwed out of the inheritance thing and gets in on Tom wooing the Lady’s Maid, who will eventually be Landed and Rich.
• Earlier, after a luncheon at the Abbey, Tom approaches the beautiful, but crying Princess, who is cleverly disguised as a Real Person and upset that she is married to a coldhearted jerk. Not knowing her true identity, Tom actually SITS beside her on The Bench outside Downton, and further illustrating the changing times, the world does not end. Tom dispenses sage life advice, and she appreciates him and his Charmingly Innocent Disrespect.
• King and Queen depart Downton to visit a grander neighbor. Sincere compliments are sent to the staff by Robert, mainly to pad Hugh’s lines as they walk inside the house. Surprisingly, he also noticed that his own staff served the king at dinner, though he doesn't really care as despite Molesely's efforts, Downton’s Honor and Standards have been Upheld. Cora’s maid Baxter realizes she hasn’t had a thing to do and has hardly spoken yet, so she flirts with Molesley, reminding us that we once wanted them to be a couple too, but leaving us wonder what's been stopping them in the 18 months we've been away.
• While waiting for Handsome Man, Displaced Butler Barrow is picked up by cheeky Man in Pub whose Gay-dar instantly identifies Thomas as One of Them from across the room. They go to a Gay Speakeasy in a warehouse and see men dancing and having a secret gay old time (sorry, couldn’t resist). Thomas has only just taken his coat off to signal he’s let his guard down and is ready to boogie when they are, of course, raided by the local bobbies and arrested as perverts. Thomas is released because the Handsome Man who took him to York flashed his Royal Business Card at a copper, and the two make meaningful eyes at each other and have a comfortable Gay Bloke Chat despite the fact that the other nice homosexuals are probably being beaten senseless and jailed on morals charges back at the station. Thomas is so happy to have found a kindred spirit that he forgets he is Evil and that he told off his boss just hours before. He returns to Downton and gets back to work like nothing has happened, and later shares a dramatic and passionate Secret Gay Kiss with departing Handsome Man.
• Lady Edith, the Marchioness of Hogwarts, has told Bertie she’s preggers and would rather he not go off on an African tour with the Prince of Wales as invited. Apparently, the PoW needs a wholesome role model as companion and caddy. (Not a wholly bad idea even still.) Alas, traveling without a valet has its disadvantages and Bertie has misplaced his backbone and cannot bring himself to tell the king he’d like to pass on the trip and stay to meet his child. Poor Edith is Upset. Again. But she does get to walk around in her Aristocratic Underwear a bit to remind the audience that while she may still be Poor Edith, she is no ugly duckling anymore. Also, after a peek into Mary's boudoir we suspect Edith's underwear outranks her sister’s. There is another, minor Poor Edith drama when her new ball dress is late, and then arrives in a size that would fit the balky boiler. A Kleptomaniacal Royal Sewing Woman from the Palace has been nicking items from each room she visits, also regurgitating a previous theme of servants mooning over nice things they can't have back when Bates first arrived at Downton, and Lord G's snuff box going missing. Anna proves she is still Clever by putting the pieces together and blackmailing Klepto Sewing Woman into fixing Edith’s gown just in time. Robert gets his regimental letter opener back and no one is any the wiser. One wonders what really happened to the glass thing in Edith's room though.
• There is a ball at a nearby Grand Movie Location. Robert and Cora remember they are in the movie and dance a bit at the Other Fancy House. Not-Matthew has returned and run up the stairs, and after a passionate Not-Gay Kiss, is Mary’s escort at the ball. All is well, except for Edith still pouting about Bertie missing The Baby’s first months. The King not only suddenly turns into a mensch again and tells Tom he appreciates him talking the Princess He Didn’t Recognize out of leaving her Awful Husband, but implies he knows about The Other Thing too. A Moment of Mutual Respect follows. One wonders if a royal golf date is in their future, until the Princess tries to melt her hubby’s warm heart and we realize that a light goes on when he opens his mouth to object. Because he’s cold. Like a fridge.
• Tom and Imelda’s Daughter dutifully kiss, and later, Tom the Former Irish Revolutionary Turned Gentleman finally appears to not only be pleased to be the obvious male star of this film, but has found true After-Sybil happiness and is set up to have his own estate should this movie earn enough worldwide to warrant another movie, or at least an ITV Christmas Special if they can round up this increasingly expensive and busy cast again.
• As things wind down and all returns to what passes for Downton normal, one also wonders where are the tears promised in early press for the film? Will Not-Matthew be the one to end up beneath his Roadster in the closing seconds? Will Poor Edith tear her dress or lose her baby? Will Hugh finally get a meaty storyline in the film and have his ulcer return to barf up bacon wrapped shrimp onto The Queen's gown? Will Carson remember that he has Parkinson’s? None of the above. Mary suddenly remembers that Granny went off to London in the first act and asks about it. As there are only a few precious minutes left before Maggie Smith asks out of her Dowager’s wig for good, she blurts out the awful truth: she is sick of the hours in the makeup chair and dying from a Mysterious Unnamed Illness and hasn’t long to live. We understand that our dear Dowager was indeed showing vulnerability to visit London, lose a war of words with Robert and become stuck in a royal curtsy. One is not sure what illness goes with those symptoms, but it must be a doozy. But, she asks, don’t tell anyone just yet. They all know she was reluctant to do this film anyway, so why waste precious screen time on it.
• Just when it seems it will get emotional, Julian Fellowes remembers he is British and changes the subject. Violet says she’s had a Good Life and Downton is in Good Hands, not Robert’s of course, but Mary’s. And she will have to carry the Sharp Tongue sword into battle from now on. They simply return to the ball for a few across-the-room medium shots. Isis the Dog Not the Terrorist Organization had a longer and more poignant farewell. Oh well, one supposes that the fanfiction writers will handle The Final Moments.
• Not-Matthew and Mary agree to live happily ever after at Downton as she has a scary old lady destiny to fulfill, and because there might be another movie. The King lets Bertie off the hook about the trip abroad because Cora needs to quickly contribute to a Plot Point before the film ends and has talked to the Queen off-screen and fixed it. Tom dances in knee socks on the veranda with his new love interest, Lady Bagshaw’s illegitimate daughter/maid/companion/heir. Everyone else pairs off for a twirl as the Dowager proudly watches.
• Back at home, as they walk triumphantly away from the front door of a gorgeously lit Downton, Elsie endearingly calls Carson ‘Charlie’ one more time and all is right with the world.
So, to sum it up…This was a wonderful and familiar romp through the beloved Downton gardens played out beautifully on a Big Screen. We'll miss Maggie, but perhaps Imelda was brought on as a Big Name replacement contingency should the franchise continue.
Please, Sir Julian, can we have some more?
THANK YOU for letting me revisit this wonderful movie in less than 18 hours! Your writing skill is perfection. Your comments are spot-on, witty, and absolutely delightful! I can't wait until the next Downtown Abbey comes out! Loved the movie, and love this write-up!xo Suzie
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